Cats and Kittens! Listen Up!
Put your Human out for the Night, put up your paws, get a bowl of cat milk, some catnip & chicken and read the rules that you must live by to make all your Owners, SORRY! Slaves! Happy :)

CAT RULES... Rules for Cats to Live By...

DOORS:
D
o not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.

BATHROOMS:
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

CHAIRS AND RUGS:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a humans bare foot. Doing it during the night, means a morning surprise.

HIDING:
Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Try Boxes, empty packets, Draws, cupboards etc. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.

FEEDING:
When your human presents you with a new food, gobble it down quickly and act frantic for more. The human will then proceed to the grocery and purchase the store's whole supply of that particular food. Next feeding: Sniff, grimace, and scratch at the floor as if to cover stuff in litter box. Refuse to eat the proffered food ever again. Humans enjoy spending more time in the catfood section of the store than they do selecting human food.
 

HAMPERING:
If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering:"

1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. Also jump out in front of them while they are holding plates of food, it helps them to learn balance.

2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

3) For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible or at least. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen

4) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love to jump.

5) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.

WALKING:
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

TRICKS:
Let your human teach you some good tricks, do it every time to receive treats and praise. When humans invite other humans over and tell them how wonderful you are and that you can do special tricks and how great you are. Lap up attention until your human asks you to do said trick...

Once they have asked look at them like you have no idea what they are talking about, possibly look at her to the other human then roll onto floor and lick your bum with leg in the air or simply walk away & go to sleep. Or wait until Humans friend looks away then do the trick, they will then ask there friend to 'look quickly'  at this point you Stop said trick.

Humans loves this as it makes them look like they lie about your abilities. Remember only do tricks when no one but your human is watching.Once they have moved to the sofa and got comfy go and join them, make sure you stretch out so they cant move, it helps them to learn patience.

BEDTIME:
Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around. Possibly move about and take up so much room they leave and sleep on the sofa, remember sofas are good for humans backs!

Once they have moved to the sofa and got comfy go and join them, make sure you stretch out so they cant move, it helps them to learn patience

LITTER BOX:
When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes. Also help them to clear out the box when they are doing it, they love the help, or go in it when they have just finished they find this rewarding.

HOUSEHOLD CHORES:
W
hen your human is busy with chores always lend a hand, hoovering, sweeping, washing clothes, unpacking shopping, washing up, it means you get to play And help! Its never boring they like you to be there, whether you fall in the sink or jump up on work tops with poo on paws from litter tray! Its fun and remember, Humans Love you to help!

Making the bed is a good chore to help with, Jump on it just as they have finished but only After they have left the room, spend a good 5 mins looking cute if they come in have a wash then decide to leave and go onto someones lap to leave nicepaw prints on them to, they also wont know until you get up. Humans love surprises!

Only go on the bed especially after you have just been In the litter tray and have stepped in poop. Or have just been outside digging up the mud. Humans love this as they only spot/smell the mess just before they climb into bed it just means they spend a extra hour redoing everything, humans love to wake up tired

PHOTOS
Whenever possible do something cute and funny and stay like it for AGES, Humans love to take pictures. As they get their camera, stay still, just as they turn it on, stay still, just as they press the take picture button, jump up/move/close eyes/look down/fall off /pull a funny face//stop doing whatever you were doing, humans love this its help them to be quicker.

ONE LAST THOUGHT:
Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around, present your butt to them. Humans love this, do it often. don't forget guests!

 

The Cats Rules was found on Stuff On My Cat website. I added in a few bits of my own to: Hiding & Litter Box & Bedtime.  I also wrote 'Household Chores' 'photos' & 'Tricks'.  All Pictures featured are My own Cats showing how the Rules must be done.

If you would like to use this great piece of advice for humans please say where it came from. Thanks! :o)

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